Forgetfullness...

Salam..

I certainly has been dormant from blogging for a quite some time.. I guess I don't really have anything interesting to write on.. My dear husband has made the entry about our vacation in Barcelona.. I did enjoy it very much.. I wish for more of the great holidays to come..

Nothing much has happened since.. We both has been quite busy with work since.. It has been tough for me.. It's a busy job & lots of expectations comes with it.. It is challenging, both physically & mentally.. Work starts at 8 every morning & continues to 6 or 7 pm in the evening.. If I'm lucky,I'll get some break for lunch.. or tea sometimes.. most of the time, I took a break just for prayers.. Even when we were postcall,it was just the same story.. and there will always be an assignment for us for the night.. recent journal or guidelines to be read.. sometimes,i do feel really exhausted.. not to mention yet,on calls & house chores.. this week,I've been taking turns with my dear husband doing calls.. Tues,he was oncall.. Wed,he was postcall & I was oncall.. thurs,I was postcall.. friday,he was oncall again.. and today, I'm all alone again.. next wed,we'll both be oncall! despite being busy & having a hectic life, I do feel empty.. drained.. I'm not really enjoying what I'm doing.. sometimes,I do enjoy it but most of the time,I just feel empty... and I can't denied asking myself,is this what I really want to do for the rest of my life??

***

Last night I had the weirdest dream.. I dreamt about my daughter.. She came back to meet me.. She was beautiful & she was talking to me.. I remembered asking her does she remembered me,and she does remember me.. but she doesn't remember ayah.. I was crying in front of her & for some reasons,I kept apologising to her.. I suddenly woke up & found myself weeping.. I didn't wake my husband & I didn't even tell him about the dream.. I do miss my babies..

***

"On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray: ) “Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith.”

Tafsir Al-Baqarah (verse 286)

Last night,a close friend reminded us about this verse from the Holy Quran.. How easy we feel stressed.. hopeless.. But we often forgot that Allah won't chose us unless He knows that we're able for it.. even we ourselves are unaware of our true capabilities.. We often reacted the wrong way for each time we're tested either through our behaviours, our thoughts or our emotions.. but the great thing is that as long as we're still breathing,we're always given the chance to seek forgiveness from Allah.. He,to whom we seek guidance & strength throughout the journey of our life..

O Allah,please forgive me of the times that I'd lost hope & forgot.. Please forgive me of my wrongdoings.. And please guide me for each step that I take..

To our friend,thank you for the reminder..

Burnin' Up

Salam..

In all fairness, I have not a clue of what I will be blogging on tonight.. I am severely exhausted, mentally drained and grievously emotionally retarded at the moment.. Event the narcissistic 'unsub' in Criminal Minds on television could not startle me..

Maybe this is one of the signs of when a doctor (like myself) is burned up.. I hope not.. I hope this is just literally pure physical and mental exhaustion after a run of serious 32-hour work.. Even with a short period of sleep/rest time, many of my colleagues would agree that the fact that we needed to be at the tip of our toes and literally be just at the other end of the phone makes us too drained of every little juice of energy we have..

I have always have this worry that it may come to a point when a doctor feels that he works no more than just fulfilling his career ambitions and as a day job, not as what he intended it initially - to help others..

Hopefully, it never happens to me..

Salam..

The Week That Was..

Salam..

Oh, dear.. What happened to this blog? It has been over a week since the last entry.. And that was when Zuhaili got his SPM results and the straight-A student was breaking news of the nation..

In all fairness, nothing much has happened over that period, that neither being extravagantly busy nor being extraordinarily lazy would serve reason for not writing an entry.. Maybe because I just got blind-sided by other things that blogging passed me by..

Aqilah Turned Four

Last weekend, we attended a very sweet and nice birthday party.. It was for Aqilah, daughter of Uncle and Kak Agee, who turned four last weekend.. The day turned out to be bright and sunny and we were served with a Cinderella and a Princess's Castle cakes.. Of course, for all viewers there, it was Kung Fu Panda on the big screen.. Uncle also had the bouncing castle in the backyard for the kids.. It was a big event and a memorable one, certainly for Aqilah.. Indeed, Joe is still too young to appreciate if a party was thrown for him.. But, all in due time, Joe..

This weekend, we did not do anything major.. Certainly watched the Irish rugby team broke record and emerged triumphant in the RBS Six Nations - Champions and Grand Slam! Of course, my celebration was dampened by some degree after Manchester United was humiliated by a 0-2 lost to Fulham and two sending offs! Also of note, Chelsea lost but inevitable Liverpool crushed Aston Villa 5-0..

And one achievement this week for me and Ina was that we managed to send in our photo album for printing.. I made the Barcelona vacation and Ina made the Scotland trip album.. She has already started the London trip from last year.. Maybe we will start our own collection of albums of our vacations and events.. I should get myself a digital SLR camera.. Hmm, how about that for my 'surprise present'..

Oh, well.. As of now, the tiny Sony will do..

Salam..

Too Clever?

Salam..

It is the time of the year when the telephone never stops ringing, certainly at my parents' place and the homes of our extended family members.. I cannot speak this as an agreed generality.. Some of you may think ringing phones are not a matter of exciting interest, but this ringing phone at this time means something different to our family..

If some of you have noticed, the results of the Malaysian Examination Certificate, or more commonly known as SPM back home, was just published earlier today.. It may have just hit the newsstands and will be aired in the 8-o'clock news shortly.. And since we have a, quite boastfully saying, huge family - with my mom having 13 siblings, all married, and approximately 60 cousins of mine - it is such a time when these results of big exams, be it UPSR, SPM or PMR, make a big impact to us all.. Most of my mom's siblings and some of the in-laws were and still are in the education system, be it teachers, principals, lecturers and professors.. And that said, these exams and their results somewhat stands as a podium for the "Annual Inter-Family Competition".. Of course, the competition is the unsaid strive to perform better and be noticed and 'glorified' when the results come.. For some subconscious reason, it is a matter of family pride and reputation, so to speak..


As for my family, we have marked for ourselves such a standard that it becomes a sibling 'rivalry' as much as it is sibling motivation.. I marked my path through UPSR, PMR and SPM with nothing less than A's.. And Erin and Intan followed suit.. And because of that, the pressure is just immense.. And even sadder is that these 'marks' are becoming a 'must-achieve' target! And I hate to be in my siblings' position..

But it is always nice to know that whatever our results are, we are who we are and who we want to be and our family accepts us as who we define ourselves as..

Peer Pressure

Today, in the local newspaper, another 'genius' broke the record.. Scoring 20A's in the SPM! No parent wouldn't be proud.. In fact, most parents might just 'advertise' this phenomenon nationwide!

This phenomenon of nationwide peer-pressure is not something new, certainly not in Malaysia.. In 2004, a female student broke the news with 17 A1's, and she became the first teenage public-exam trend-setter.. And it only gets better! In 2006, another girl re-wrote the record with 18 A's, and further in 2007 a young boy scored 21A's (19A1's).. Today, another genius marked the newspapers with 20 A's (19A1's)..

I stand tallest with envy and astonishment at the fact that they achieved such credentials.. I feel inferior and ashamed that my parents did not have the chance to be proud of me with those results..

But at the end of the day I forward this very question to all of you and the geniuses :

What will you do with all the A's?

It may sound rhetoric.. In fact, it may sound offensive to some ears.. When I was at school level, I was a good student, I studied hard and with utmost dedication, I played sports and socialise, I was not a geek, neither was I a jock.. But I had something clear in my mind - I wanted to be a doctor.. And I did everything needed to get me there.. And I did get there after school, went into college, ultimately overseas in one of the most prestigious college in the world and graduated.. I did enough to get me there, because I know where I wanted to be..

I fear my next lines would be so offensive that people may stop reading this blog..

Sometimes I feel and somewhat convinced that, despite the multiple A's, we assume these teenagers are multi-talented, super-achievers.. That no matter in what well they are thrown into, they will climb their way out..

I, for one, feel that they have now so much on their plates that the real challenge now becomes to pick which one to digest first.. And the pressure is vast! I believe that some people see a full plate as 'maximising your options', but I regret to say that my stand is with 'no clear ambition and self-doubt'.. Anything they pick will determine their path and, needless to say, the path is wide open with their A's backing them up.. But, it is the matter of choosing the correct one, the wise decision.. With 20A's, you could be a doctor or an engineer or a businessman or a lawyer or a secretary or a janitor or a fishmonger.. But which one is YOU?

Well, that was just me being argumentative and harsh..

I dedicate this entry to my dear brother, Zuhaili, with my utmost congratulations with his results.. I know you want to do Medicine and I will support your ambition all the way.. You have now a brother and three sisters already doctors and we are here for you for advice and support.. I know that you have determined this ambition even before the exams started, and that is how I know the motivation you need to get to it..

Well done!

Salam..

Career Pathway

Salam..

Yet again, I visit this blog page and create another entry.. It seems that my stagnant brain has just eclipsed my sanity and thus dreadfully flood me with blogging ideas, which by the end of this read, you will realise that you have probably wasted some precious time.. I forward my most sincere apology in advance..

However, despite my disturbed judgment and still-mildly-preserved executive cerebral function, I have come to a rather interesting issue, mainly for fellow doctors reading this blog.. I will try to maintain non-discriminating arguments for non-doctor companions.. This is the issue of Career Pathway, as nicely-mentioned at the title..

Dreams and Ambitions

Ever since these ten small toes walked into a school, there is a certain mind-set and 'target' that has been embedded in the mind.. Some kids call it dreams, others call it ambition, a small portion call it motivation.. As for me, I might have fallen into all those three groups.. You may reason that you were in one of the groups, but I assure you, the selection into any of those particular compartments did not deem any significance now, that you are at the level of comprehending and arguing this blog entry..

Let me explain..

This 'certain mind-set and target' is not a genetically-driven thought, nor it is environmentally-nurtured spirit.. Rather, depending on the family and parental factor (hence, genetic) and the upbringing and the cluster of nurture (hence, environmental), it is actually a combined and complementing outcome..

Some children 'dream' about being a doctor, or a pianist, or a business executive, or even the Secretary of the United Nations.. Does this dream make him less a motivated person? The answer is 'No'.. As a matter of truthful fact, these dreams are the ones pushing and giving the reason for a child to go to school, to enjoy counting in Maths class, to memorise the notes from nursery rhymes.. That deep inside his mind, these are the baby-steps he needs to walk the entire stairwell towards being his dream person.. Just because he does not share his dreams with his parents, does not mean he does not have one.. Do not, at any particular time, believe that children only have nightmares when the only ones they share are the nightmares..

Some other children are exposed with the word 'ambition' at a very early stage.. No reason to be alarmed at the expression I am relaying with the first sentence.. It is not wrong to expose such big and ambitious word to a child, nor would I say I promote the practice.. From the limited deduction of mine through my minuscule experience in life, I noticed that education-oriented parents tend to use such word to their children.. What it means is that, on top of the dreams that these children have, the nurturing and supportive air in the home environment strengthens the dream.. It enhances the belief within the subconscious territory that the dreams are achievable and attainable.. And within the first few days at school, teachers participate with the parents holding the baton of boosting the belief within the children.. As a material result, we see these children's enthusiasm when they play-act their 'future' role in life..

A small group of children fall into the category of having, what we adults call, 'self-motivation'.. Compared to dreams and ambitions, self-motivation is not a default construct within children's mind.. My proof is self-explanatory when we often see mothers yell and yell for their children to finish their homework! Mankind only develop the capability to self-motivate later in life, usually around the teenage period.. Some children develop this quality quicker than others, especially seen in children entering and spending their teenage lifespan in a boarding school.. The simple reason being the competitiveness of peer-pressure and the cumulative force of individual dream and personal ambition towards, what possibly is, a same goal - good grades..

Translation

But how do all these - dreams, ambitions, motivation - translate to career pathways?

As far as the sane mind concerns, every child, after all these three compartments are thoroughly and fastidiously explored, they develop several major characters which we call intelligence, dexterity and self-confidence.. These are then the characters which we see the children, now eagerly entering adult life, carry and define themselves with.. And these are the characters we collectively label the children with as Personality..

Personality is the definition of a person, who after such tremendous journey through childhood, teenage life and then adulthood, having seen and learned and experienced different tasks and obstacles, and taken all of those in a briefcase named ME! And this Me is the one, along the way, made major and life-changing decisions, which will further define the person.. It all sounds so much like a vicious circle but the reality is this is LIFE..

To cut long story short, one of the life-changing decisions that has to be made is the decision about and around the career.. As for many of us, our initial childhood dream, consolidated by clear ambition statement and further emphasised and driven by motivation, has brought us to where we are today - a professional in what we do.. Despite having gone through all of the hassle and difficulties and having already achieved our ambition, we are now faced with another challenge - carrying our careers to the next desired level..

A doctor now faces the challenge of climbing the ladder through different trainings to achieve specialty consultantship, an accountant now faces the difficulties of paving the path to achieve a level of similar equivalence to a medical consultant, a businessman now faces the hardship of expanding the business to regional, national or even worldwide recognition.. We see this as a challenge, yet the truth is that the path has already been laid out for us by our colleagues before us.. The main challenge is to appreciate and decide which path to take, not how to take it.. And that is the Career Pathway Challenge..

I will not dwell further into the matter of how to choose which path.. The utmost take-home-message for all my readers is, and indeed for my own self, we should not be alarmed, nor be casual of the fact that we are facing such 'turmoil' of holding the steering of life.. Rather, we should take a moment and, possibly a small step back, evaluate all the valid options and available opportunities.. And backed with all the dreams, ambitions, motivation, further driven by intelligence, dexterity and confidence, and coated and strengthened by our own self-developed, self-built personality, we should be able to come up with the best decision for us and our career..

As for me, lastly, I have not made up my mind as yet to what specialty I will spend the rest of my career practising.. Although, despite that, I do know what I will be in five years' time.. Small baby-steps towards a huge trophy.. May Allah help me and grant me strength to walk the path I choose, with His guidance and faith in Him..

Salam..

Defining Love

Salam..

This is another not-so-ordinary entry in this blog.. Nonetheless, humour me with this article and sing along with the lyrics mimicking the translation of how bored I am during this period of, what should be, break from my career life, or formally called 'annual leave'.. Despite my grimacing and sour complaining, I have to say, the first week of the break was remarkably tremendous.. Needless to say, it was the extended honeymoon and vacation to Barcelona.. Fellow readers can experience our stories and visits from our recent entries entitled 'Barcelona'..

Very well, there is a reason why this entry will stray away from the norm.. Unlike the ever-active mind of Ina's, despite being slightly dormant on the blogging side, she always has a story to tell.. On the other hand, my head is a can full of supercharged, highly flammable worms, which with the tiniest of catalyst in any direction, could explode with non-functional, erratic, burst of irrelevant ideas! Now, who keeps the can lid? The certain answer is Ina, my buffer and my phone line to the real world.. How she bears holding me is beyond explanation.. And I thank her for that.. One of the millions of reasons why I love her so much..

Lately, one theme seems to surface almost unexpectedly.. The theme of 'Love'.. I am not a big blog-reader myself, sadly but truthfully admitting, but the several ones that I have read recently had this topic as a discussion matter or an experience-based entry.. It has come to my attention, hence the catalyst for my worms, that probably the word and its definition have become virtually loosely-used over time.. And indeed, over and over again.. Well, let us go back to roots and basics.. Let us indulge ourselves to the truthful meaning of the word 'Love' and be reminded what it means to us all and to humanity as a whole..

Dictionary Definition

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair, the emotion of romance

3. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction, beloved

These are some of dictionary definition of 'Love'.. In fact, all of them, and even if you search any other dictionary in any language, the definition of 'Love' is technically an attempt to define a feeling of fond affection.. Now, catch this - Even the most philosophical and linguistic attempt of defining 'Love' seems so far from the (I'm at lost of words!) intended description.. Not to mention, the 'meaning of love' varies from one person to the other..

Having seen and agreed on such basic level, that we all feel love and define love in our own separate way, despite the common theme of 'affection', I (for myself) have come to a general, yet arguably my best, conclusion that 'Love' is not definable in ANY word.. No offence to linguists and philosophers, and to writers and speakers who make a living from books and seminars on the 'basics of loving' under the name-tag of 'interpersonal relationship experts/advisors'.. As for me, despite my own stand that love is not definable by word, I do not envy those people who make their living through this theme.. In fact, I envy those linguists and philosophers who, with great detail and intellect, serve their lives to define and redefine the true meaning of this very special and heavenly feeling.. I envy those writers, authors and speakers who, with great charm and enthusiasm, devote their lives to help others understanding and practising this divine passion..



I wonder if my fellow readers are still in doubt of my stand, or even possibly disagree, that no word can define 'Love'.. If you disagree, then I would be so grateful to hear your definition of 'Love' that YOU feel adequate to your heart, that you feel will undoubtedly and wholly encompass your feelings in a sentence.. In fact, I may well challenge you to it!

The glorification of this feeling is such of a magnitude that, and hence my proof, great people began not to define 'Love', but attempt to materialise 'Love' in sentence and phrases, in the form of quotes and poetry..

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle..
(Crystal Middlemas)

You know you are in love, when you see the world in her eyes,
and her eyes everywhere in the world..
(David Levesque)

These are among the thousands and millions of quotes of mankind attempting to put in words the emotions of 'Love'.. Not to say that they fail to impress, but even so, with such meticulous choice of wordings, the quotes and poems still feel unable to grasp even the shadows of the true meanings of 'Love'.. I could list quotes after quotes, and poems after poems, of 'Love', but I feel it will never suffice to reach the feeling one is experiencing of it..

To dear fellow Muslim brothers and sisters, I have no reservations to remind you that the only way that we would ever define 'Love' is until we have a whole grasp and grip to these very words..

"None of you becomes a believer until I am dearer to him
than his children, his parents and all mankind.."
(As reported by Bukhari and Muslim)

"Tidak sempurna iman seseorang kamu sehinggalah dia sanggup menjadikan aku lebih dikasihi daripada dirinya, anaknya, hartanya dan manusia seluruhnya.."

And it is only after then that we will be able to fulfill the love for our loved ones in our hearts, when we know and realise the most basics and integral reason for loving another person - Loving in the name of Allah (God).. In fact, I cannot stress this enough.. It is actually and spiritually the confidence of love for God and from God that completes the feeling of love to other people - to your parents, your brothers and sisters, your wife and children.. That is the ultimate basis of truest love, unrestrained by doubt or fear, unintimidated or stirred by monetary inadequacy or difficult conflicts..

Conclusion

I have relentlessly laid the most arguable word of all time, 'Love', in a plate for you to debate among yourselves, with your spouse, and more importantly (for me) to debate the theme within yourself.. It may be a heavy enough push to urge you to have a think about this generic theme.. But I insist on attempting that.. Hopefully, by the end of your own debate session (either with yourself or with others), you will feel rejoiced and refreshed with your own new meaning and definition of this lovely feeling..

As for me, my definition and, indeed, materialisation of love is as simple as three letters...

INA

Salam..

Friendly Visit

Salam..

Since coming back from Barcelona, it felt like there was no story to tell.. Certainly after the eventful trip to Spain.. Over the last few days, not that many have passed, despite my constant digging into my brain of what would I write in this blog, nothing came natural and, probably, meaningful to share.. So, be that the case, the blog became dormant..

Friday was the day we flew back from dreamland vacation Barcelona to 'reality-check'-land Limerick.. We started the day early, with the wake-up call at 6am, checked out at 6.45am and the booked taxi came straight away and we were off to Estacio Nord.. A couple of snaps of pictures and we boarded the bus to Girona Airport.. We checked in early and had our breakfast at the airport.. I was not much into the early breakfast mood, especially the one that had 'vacation over' marked on the plate! But we had a glance of the morning sun making its way into Spain over the mountains.. It was so picturesque, that it was impossible to miss the opportunity for a picture.. Despite the tired body after the 'hectic' vacation, we managed to stay 'alive' for the next few hours until we boarded the plane.. Oh, by the way, James Stodart was on the same flight too.. I'm sure he and his wife enjoyed every minute of their stay in Barcelona, just as we did..

The next few hours was practically a blur.. We took the liberty of dozing off on the plane.. But, here's the nice mathematical part of it.. The flight from Barcelona to Shannon took about three hours.. But because the time-zone difference, even after we slept for the whole three hours on the plane, at arrival in Shannon, we still saved one hour of our day! Now, that's useful maths!

Clonmelian Visit

Today, we had a visit from our friends.. Aini is now working in Clonmel, where Erin used to work as an intern, and her husband, on the other hand, is still studying in the UK.. This weekend was their vacation, I guess, that they went up to Cliffs of Moher.. On the way back, they stopped by and had dinner at our place.. Simple dinner - chicken curry, fried eggs and sambal belacan..

And, we had the chance to get acquainted with the five-month-old Muhammad Naimullah.. Surprisingly, his mom calls him Mamat, which was not a name I thought would even make the list of call names, not for him anyway.. Either way, Mamat was comfortable with me and Ina, despite it was our first time with him.. He didn't cry, well, not until later that evening when bedtime was due.. Big round eyes, pink rosy cheeks and such cute smile..

After dinner, some tea and a family photograph, they were off back to Clonmel.. It was a visit probably due since the last time Ina met Aini was when they both lived and worked in Letterkenny, way back in end of 2007.. Much has happened since, proven by the baby boy who visited Auntie Ina for the first time.. Maybe someday Ina can tell Mamat that she and his mom had lived and worked together too..

Naim and me - just look at the eyes!

Ust Nisar, Aini and Naim, Ina and me

Ina will be back to work tomorrow.. I, on the other flip of the coin, will have another week of holiday.. Still, there are some things that I need to do in this coming week.. Maybe I can off-load Ina from some of the house chores as well.. I will keep you readers updated..

Salam..