A Tribute To A Son..

Salam..

Here I am back again after several silent moments.. Not that I was busy, but I had left the blogging to my wife, and she had quite few stories to share, so I took a small step back and no need for redundancy.. And I hope to keep this short..

Now, the title may seem a little emotional and melancholic, but I can assure you, this is nothing less than a true feeling and maybe just a small spot to share from our life's story..

It would be one of the days that I did not know what to do to help bear the pain..
And it is still true today, when I clearly remember it.. I could not think of anything to help ease the pain.. Yes, I was scared, but I had to be strong for her.. For us..

We had opted to get checked up nearby but to no avail.. And we had to walk.. I just could not believe myself letting her through that.. What selfish and irresponsible bloke I was.. And I had to make a call - we were going to the hospital, despite her not being fond of the idea..

We arrived, registered and waited.. Alhamdulillah, they had a designated team to handle this kind of situation.. She was taken straight up to the ward, prepped for a scan.. First scan - no heartbeat.. My heart dropped.. My heart stopped beating.. I sunk into a deep feeling of sadness, and a stint of guilt patched..

"We'll have to do another scan tomorrow.. If it's incomplete, we'll have to bring you to surgery.."

I almost fell on my knees.. They were shaking, trembling.. The ground was collapsing under me.. I had to try to hold my tears.. Maybe I failed, but I didn't think she saw..

Overnight was hard.. There was a lot of pain, physically and emotionally.. Of course, physical pain is relatively easy to wash.. Few jabs of pethidine and it would more than likely be managed.. But the pain inside? Some people say TIME will heal the pain, some people say FORGETTING is a 'good' way to block the pain.. I disagree.. I just cannot FORGET.. He was a part of me.. And TIME will only make me miss him more..

Second day - Another scan.. The 'good' news was it was completed.. No need for surgery.. I was relieved.. But far from settled.. She seemed calm.. But I knew how she felt inside - because I felt the same.. The cocktail of feelings, the jumble of emotions - there wasn't a description for it.. Chaotic? Unsettled.. That's what it was..

She was let home the on same second day.. With a few weeks off work..

Of course the news was a major blow to both our mothers.. I was bombarded with millions of questions.. And not to mention I had thrown some trillions to myself to start off with.. And I had none of the answers.. Until today, I have none..

"Mama dah beli kain batik lepas dari Indonesia nak buat buai.."
"Mak sedih tak dapat jaga kak chik dalam pantang.."

Those sentence still ring in my ears.. Painful as they were, still painful today..

A year now..
Much has happened since this day last year.. But 8th August 2007 marked the day we lost our first child.. He was merely 8 weeks old.. It was a complete miscarriage.. And today, I tribute this entry to these special ones..

My unborn son - I named him Muhammad - I will never forget you.. You will always be our first child.. I pray you have a wonderful seat beside Allah in Jannah.. Someday, ibu and ayah will see you again..

To my beloved wife - You have been so strong seeing this through.. I still have dreams about that day and about our baby.. I pray Allah will further give you strength and courage as He has been.. No husband could stand without a support as strong as you..

I would also like to thank the staff of the Early Pregnancy Unit in Letterkenny General Hospital for the fond care and support we had while my wife was there..

Lastly, this is for my son.. Till we meet again..
Al-Faatihah..