Anger And Fear

Salam..

Again and again, I visit and update this blog with my ranting and emotional venting.. And again and again, this blog becomes a daily journal.. I long to be writing again about current issues and events that could potentially spark an educated discussion..

Don't Be Angry

Lately, I realised that anger is one emotion hard to control.. Not that I was scolding or screaming, but I did feel some unsettling feeling within me.. And for the last two weeks, I have been re-visiting my mind and evaluating myself in front of my own mental mirror, asking "Why am I angry?".. It seems almost simple to put a blame on something external and say that was the reason, but I believe, and always have, that true anger roots within oneself and the external event may just be a spark or scapegoat.. And until one realises that, the finger will always point to something or someone else..

I remember a friend of mine commenting in our discussion about 'anger and fear'.. And I believe he was right.. Anger roots from fear.. That is the natural fact.. But not many realise this.. Reason? Simple.. People believe that something 'outside make them angry', not 'inside'..

The reason a person gets angry is because of his fear.. The fear of losing control, the fear of not being able to determine the outcome in his own way, the fear of being blamed.. The fear of being insufficient.. And that fear manifests itself as anger as a result of expressing control and power.. The subliminal fear acts as a pressure-cooker with temperature rising, even without the person knowing or realising it.. And as soon as a spark comes along, be it in the form of someone else's most minor mistake, the oven explodes with pointing fingers to blame the 'guilty' party..

Why do I talk about anger and fear?

The reason is as simple as it is.. To remind myself my fear..

Worried

My dear darling Ina has not been all that well over the last few weeks.. In fact, you may noticed that I had commented on how she has not eaten any rice over the last few weeks, surviving only on pizzas, bread and fruits..

Just when I thought her nausea was about to settle, she may have picked the winter vomiting bug from the hospital, making her nauseated and actually vomited five times yesterday! Her appetite has again diminished like a sand castle facing the evening ocean tide.. She did not even go to work today..

And even since she started her morning sickness, I was worried about her health and appetite.. I keep encouraging her to have something to eat but the effect seemed paradoxical by the day.. And I became angry..

Angry at her not eating..
Angry at her not drinking..

The matter of the fact, I was worried..

Worried for her health..
Worried for her well-being..
Worried for our growing baby inside her..

I know why I was angry.. I know that very clearly, even from the beginning..

I pray Allah will give her the strength to face this heavy challenge on her body.. I pray Allah will keep Ina and the baby healthy..

Darling, I am sorry I was angry at you..

Salam..