When the lightning struck twice..

Salam..

It has been a very long time since my last entry in this blog.. as you can read from the previous entry,I haven't been very well for the past few weeks.. mostly from my morning sickness..

It has been a very long weekend for us.. I had a few alarming signs on Saturday.. it got worse over the day so we went to maternity hospital.. I was lucky that k.agee & mary were oncall on that day.. I knew them as both of them were working in regional before.. plus mary higgins was my tutor during my final year & k.agee is faizals' a.k.a uncle wife..

so,I had the scan and it wasn't promising.. but nothing much could be done other than wait & see.. so we went home.. and I knew that I was losing my baby.. again.. the first time,it was painful.. this second time, even more.. it was not the physical pain that ache me,it was more the emotional pain.. it was just excruciating..

Sunday.. i started to bleed.. and i knew then that it was the beginning of the end.. I chose to be at home this time.. I just wanted to be with my dear husband.. he is my strength and my hope..

Monday.. we went to maternity again for a repeat scan.. and the 'good news' came.. It was a complete miscarriage & i didn't have to go for ERPC.. amazingly,i was able to stay calm that morning.. probably because I've cried my heart out over the weekend.. and probably because I've already kind of expecting the news.. Mary is very kind to come back to maternity hosp that morning & met us.. she explained the whole thing & gave us advise for future pregnancy..

It seems that everything happened too quickly & now I felt that I've overcome all the feeling of loss, guilty, sadness, loneliness.. I thought this time it would be much worse.. but I believed that all the support and prayers from my loved ones really helped me to through this rough times..

I'm nearly fully back to myself now.. my nausea totally gone and my appetite shoot up to the sky! I got my energy back.. Alhamdulillah.. It has been tough for both of us before.. I wasn't eating much for the past few weeks and that really worried my dear husband very much.. and I hate making him worried over me.. I was really weak & tired,probably mostly from not eating.. it was very hard for me to find anything that could increase my appetite.. rice was definitely out of the menu.. as well as chicken.. it just made me felt sick..

Throughout the past nine weeks,I hardly did any work at home.. my dear husband had to do them all by himself.. from cooking, washing the dishes, cleaning up the house, laundry - from washing to ironing, everything he had to do by himself-apart from the busy job he already has in the hospital.. and i felt hopeless of not having the energy to help him.. yesterday,i was able to cook for him again.. and i love to cook and i do miss cooking! it was a very nice feeling to be able to serve him dinner after the long hours in the hospital.. and by 9.30pm,he was already dozing away on the couch.. somewhat in my heart,there is a feeling of relief that my dear beloved husband finally can get some rest after all the hard work he has done for the past weeks... seeing him sleeping peacefully,i couldn't ask for more.. I've the sweetest bestest husband one could wish for (I guess every wife would say the same thing about their husband too;).. ).. he once asked me, was there a single day that he didn't make me smile.. and i was thinking really hard at that time,just trying to be egoistic.. but truly i couldn't think of any day that i wasn't smiling.. even when we were apart,even on my darkest day.. he did his best and never fail to make me smile.. of course there were days of 'biting & scratching' as the Malay saying 'sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit, inikan pula suami isteri', but we never let it be more than a day.. not even more than half day.. alhamdulillah,we managed to settle things between us rationally rather than being emotionally driven.. I love him for who he is.. he is my strength, my happiness, my bestest friend.. I love you,dear.. thanks for everything..

This is the second time i have to bid good bye to my baby.. although i never get the chance to meet you, I love you with all my heart.. both of you.. I'll always remember you.. and I thank Allah for giving me the chance to be a mother,even for a few weeks.. It was the nicest,sweetest memories of all.. and I pray that one day,I'll be given the chance again..

And I would like to thanks my loved ones - mak, abah, mama.. my beloved sisters - k.sobah, k.yah, erin & intan.. my beloved brothers - abg iszam, abg rusydi, naim, zuli & zaqwan.. for your love & support.. and my friends,for your support & prayers - wan, fid, rayyan, shikin, sepose and fadrie.. may Allah bless you always.. I'm surrounded by the nicest families & friends.. Alhamdulillah..

and for my babies.. I miss you and love you always...